The Hero
by tinyfish
Summary: Michael Scofield loves playing the hero, doesn't he?
1. Part 1

After three tense weeks, things at Fox River Penitentiary were starting to creep back to normal. The inmates and staff began to walk with a little more calmness, but the riot had left certain little stains in their gait. Abruzzi now had this weird compulsion to speak so close to a person, they could practically hear his thoughts. Bellick had surgically attached his keys to his stomach so he could never lose them. So, in order to open doors quickly, Bellick now roamed the prison shirtless, much to the chagrin of anyone with eyesight. But without a doubt, Michael was affected the most. Whenever someone made a sudden movement, he would jump up into the rafters like an overgrown pigeon and start rambling about cheap liquor. But after three weeks, everything started to settle down. But like Haywire with a possum and a waffle iron, it was amazing how many things could go wrong.

It all started on a normal day. With average inmates (plus one overgrown pigeon) eating sub-par food. Oh, how quickly things went downhill.

"Hey Michael," Sucre said between bites, "Can I ask you something?"

"Hey Sucre, did I ever tell you about the time I traded a hubcap for vodka?" Michael asked with a nervous twitch in his otherwise calm face.

"Yeah, Papi, you did. Like, a half an hour ago." Sucre said with a frown. "So can I ask you something?"

"Ask away." Michael said while flapping his "wings".

"Okay, a) Why aren't you in the whack shack? And b) Why do you have to play the hero all the time?" Sucre asked.

"To answer you're first question, they wouldn't let me back in after I ate all the arts-and-crafts birdseed! So there! The joke's on _you_!" Michael shouted triumphantly, feathers not at all ruffled. "And to answer you're second question; I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Oh come on," Sucre said with a hint of exasperation, "You know you have the hero compulsion, just admit it."

"Improbable!" Michael shouted. "Lies! Wait, are you feeling alright? Are you? How's your blood pressure? Have you been going to the bathroom regularly? Can you see a bright light? This man needs help! I'll save you! JAWS OF LIIIIIFE!!"

Michael had leapt over the table and started to "save Sucre's life". Michael had smashed his lips over Sucre's and blew into his mouth like a balloon while simultaneously punching him in the chest in a twisted version of CPR. Meanwhile, all the inmates watched in shock and horror.

"Whoa, kinky." Tbag said with a wolfish grin.

Finally, after a couple more minutes of Michael's "heroism" the guards managed to separate the two, much to T-bag's displeasure.

"It's okay, everyone! He's safe!" Michael said weakly after several gasps for air.

Sucre was in what seemed to be a catatonic state.

"Yeah, good thing you were here, Fish." C-Note muttered.

"Hey Pretty! John-boy seems to be having a stroke!" T-bag shouted with glee as John blanched, "Looks like you better go save him!"

"JAWS OF LIFEEE!!" Michael roared with a manic gleam in his eye as he attempted to escape Bellick's grip.

"Fish, if you don't let me die, I'LL KILL YOU!" John shouted behind a protective barricade of mobsters.

"He's obviously delusional! But that's alright! I'LL SAVE HIM!" Michael screamed as he wriggled away from Bellick and jumped at the mobster-wall.

Michael's aim was off. He ended up tackling some white supremacist at T-bag's table.

"Ugh! Who do you think you are, boy?" an eight-foot-tall hick asked Michael disgustedly as T-bag pouted in jealousy.

"Who am I?" Michael asked theatrically, "Why, I am evil's worst nightmare! I am the vigilante of Gotham-"

"Fox River." Bellick corrected.

"-Fox River." Michael repeated. "The vigilante of Fox River. I am the night! I am justice! I AM…..THE TATTOOED PIGEON!"

This statement was followed by a ringing silence throughout the whole prison.

"More like the Tattooed Screaming Idiot." a small voice said from the crowd.

"Who was that?" Michael screamed as he hopped on the table, "Show yourself! I will bring you to justice!"

"I'll bring _your mom_ to justice!" the voice said again.

"That doesn't even apply to what's going on right now!" Seth protested, but was quickly shushed by T-bag.

"Uh, you guys, I think we might need a sedative in the cafeteria." Bellick mumbled quietly into his walkie.

He was not quiet enough, though. He under-estimated Michael's super pigeon hearing.

"Villain! You dare conspire against me?" Michael said while tying his jacket around his neck like a cape, "Very well! You will never catch me!"

And with that, Michael ran out of the cafeteria at super sonic pigeon speed.

"Sucre, what's wrong with you?" T-bag chided as Sucre twitched nervously, "Pretty is obviously in perfect mental health."

"Uh, guys? What's the rule on using elephant sedative on inmates?" Bellick questioned his walkie anxiously.

Hey, you guys! I'm baaaack! Part Two will be up soon, because I have insomnia!! Yaaaay! Thank you for reading :) Reviews would be loved, cherished, and treated like a fluffy kitty. :)


	2. Part 2

Michael had been running around the prison for an hour, while the guards tried in vain to keep up

Michael had been running around the prison for an hour, while the guards tried in vain to keep up. Pausing only to "smite evil-doers" in his way, Michael headed to his destination at breakneck speed. He could see the entrance to the east wing of the prison grow ever closer, when all of the sudden, the villain appeared.

"Scofield! Stop right there!" Bellick roared, hands on his hips in the standard Power Ranger stance.

"Grotesque scoundrel!" Michael sneered, "By my hand, you will be brought to justice!"

Michael proceeded to do many leaps and kicks in the air, while Bellick just watched silently, if a little bored.

"Well then," Michael panted, "It seems you are unswayed by my bat-tastic abilities! I will have to-"

"You mean 'pigeon-tastic'?" Bellick interrupted, yet again.

"What?"

"Pigeon-tastic. You're not Batman." Bellick explained impatiently.

"You dare call me an imposter?" Michael growled, "Prepare to face my WRATH!"

Michael paused for a moment after realizing what he just said.

"Of justice, I mean." he added.

Michael dove to Bellick's side and grabbed his arm. Bellick gasped in fright as Michael grinned hysterically, probably because of all the justice. The world waited in anticipation of the events to come.

"Why you hittin' yourself, why you hittin' yourself?" Michael asked as he proceeded to beat Bellick with his own arm, "Why? HUH? HUH?"

"Ahh! Tattooed Pigeon, I surrender!" Bellick squealed.

"Good!" Michael said as he dropped Bellick's arm.

Several moments passed in uneasy silence.

"So…what did this fight even accomplish?" Bellick asked uncertainly.

"Well, you're going to change your evil ways, right?" Michael asked hopefully.

"Uhm…nah." Bellick mumbled.

"Yeah, we really didn't accomplish anything in that case." Michael said with a frown.

The awkward silence was tangible.

"Well, until next time, cretin!" Michael said, punching Bellick in the gut as he exited.

"Was that even necessary?" Bellick wailed.

"NOPE!" Michael shouted as he tossed a few smoke bombs over his shoulder.

And there Michael was, running down the halls again. But this time, there was nothing in his way. And he was so very close to his destination. _To my destiny,_ Michael thought. _Whoa! Destination and Destiny both have 'destin' in them! Dustin Hoffman rules! He should do a movie with Rob Zombie, because I would totally-AHHH!!_

Michael had crashed into a pedophile while in his reverie. Specifically T-bag, who had been meandering around the halls aimlessly until now.

Michael quickly hopped up form the ground, leaving T-bag on the ground with a dazed expression on his face.

"Hey T-bag, need a HAND?" Michael asked before bursting out in guffaws.

"….I'm not sure I get the joke, Pretty." T-bag asked with a puzzled expression on his face.

"Oh, you will," Michael said knowingly, "You will."

"Yanno, Pretty, I think I need some CPR." T-bag said while smiling like Christmas came early. "And I also might need a full-body search, just in case I'm hiding a shiv or something."

"Yes, yes you do!" Michael exclaimed, and T-bag's heart skipped a beat.

"Hey, Geary! T-bag needs CPR and a full-body search! Stat!" Michael shouted to Geary, who was just down the hall.

"Damn you, Scofield." Geary snarled.

"No need to thank me! I'm just doing my civic duty, Sir!" Michael suavely as his jacket-cape billowed in the wind.

And for the umpteenth time that day, Michael Scofield was running towards his destination, his excitement growing by the step. Suddenly, he saw a door in the distance. It slowly grew larger and larger until it was right in front of him. He was about to turn the doorknob when his hand froze. _Doorknobs are for villains and taxidermists!_ Michael thought, _Heroes have no need for such luxuries!_

"DO NOT FEAR!" Michael roared as he kicked the door to sick-bay in, "I repeat; do not fear! No cause for alarm people, I AM SUPERHUMAN!"

For some reason, people started to panic. The sick bay erupted in terrified shrieks, which was strange coming from a men's prison.

"Michael! WHAT are you doing?" Sara asked, leaving her office with a cross expression on her face.

"Sara!" Michael began, "My damsel in distress! I'll save-"

_WHAM._

Sara punched Michael in the nose before he could finish.

"Your _what_ now?" Sara growled.

"……Are you PMSing or something?" Michael asked tentatively.

_WHAM._

"Villain!" Michael said while shielding his face, "Extremely hormonal villain!"

Before Sara could hit something a little lower than Michael's nose, they were interrupted.

"Michael! Michael! Please come out of there, everyone's worried about you!"

It was Warden Pope with a megaphone and a large group of people.

"You'll never bring me to the big house, pig!" Michael yelled back.

"Michael, you're already an inmate." Sara pointed out patiently.

"Besides, I'm a hero!" Michael said, completely ignoring Sara, "I shouldn't be arrested."

"Michael. We've got some people here that are very concerned about you." Warden Pope said, "Michael, your mother is here."

"Mom!" Michael exclaimed, tears of joy brimming up in his eyes. "Mom, I thought you were dead! I went to your funer- Hey! That is _not_ my mother!"

"Michael, what are you talking about? Of course it is!" Warden Pope said with a smile.

"Warden, that is obviously Bellick with a gray wig on. He's not even in a costume- just the wig!" Michael said, frustrated.

"Uhhm…..yeah, that's Bellick in a wig. But we tried!" Warden Pope said, still grinning.

"True. And it _is_ the thought that counts…."Michael said cautiously.

"So will you come out here?" Warden asked.

"….I will. Under one condition, though!" Michael said, determination in his eyes, "No one must no the secret identity of…THE TATTOOED PIGEON!"

"Who?" Sara asked.

"Oh, I'm the superhero; The Tattooed Pigeon." Michael explained, "Geez, Sara, you live under a rock?"

"Uh, yeah Michael, we promise we won't tell." Warden Pope said while stifling a laugh.

FOUR DAYS AFTER THE ESCAPE OF THE FOX RIVER 8:

"Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the evening news." A blonde woman with too much makeup said with a fake smile. "And here is tonight's top story. As many of us have heard, the infamous Macadelia crime family has been running rampant, committing crimes almost daily. But recently, a local vigilante tipped off the police to the crime family's hideout. There, police found the whole crime family tied up and bound to chairs, apparently by the police tipper. The vigilante leaves no identification except for a calling card: a dead bird crudely drawn on with marker. It's really quite disturbing actually…."

Finished! That was fun! I hope you guy liked it! Please review; I wanna know what you think! Everybody who's read the story gets a cookie, you guys really deserve it :)


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